The secrets of a successful life in business.

Turning Office Shirtlessness into a Positive

The office flag football team plays fifteen minutes after work lets out. We’ve all been there, and we ALL have to change into our uniforms before we get there. That’s why most people just try to knock it out quickly at their desk, and hope they’re fortunate enough that no one walks by and sees you in a state of shirtlessness.

But what happens if someone sees you change?

There’s no need to look at this scenario as a potential embarrassment. Rather, this situation is a once in a lifetime opportunity to let someone discover a big scar that runs the length of your chest, and/or see that you wear underwear that appears to be made from the uncured skins of a bengal tiger.

Why? Well, that scar could have only come from some sort of knife fight. The Key to The Win™ here is: That’s what they’ll be thinking. And as long as that’s in the head of your coworker, they will see you as a knife fight survivor, instead of the maroon suit-wearing, snack-hoarding douchebag they thought you were two minutes ago.

Once “potential for knife fight survival” is in their head, they’ll not only be much nicer to you, but they will immediately start defering to you on most future business team decisions.

And soon, the whole office will know.

In my book, that looks like a win.

Comments on: "Turning Office Shirtlessness into a Positive" (0)

  1. Can you spin a pantless conference call for a win or is that pushing it?

  2. Administrator said:

    Mr. Mullis: Your contributions to this site in the form of intelligent, thoughtful commentary is remarkable, and this should be noted.

    As far as the pantsless conference call the only way i’ve seen to pull this off is if the call is on a complicated video machine with a zoom function.

    Try a little “accidental zoom” and plant their view squarely on that knife gash that runs the length of your inner thigh.

    That should do it.

  3. What if you’re in the minority that has never actually been in a knife fight? Could you assist me in finding a local knife fight? Ideally, this would be a knife fight for beginners (I’d REALLY like to win my first one).

  4. Administrator said:

    Mr. Jenkins: great question.

    If you go looking for a knife fight, you’ll never find one. But, if you start one, well, you’ve got one whenever you want it.

    I’d go that route, or, if you still have the fear of losing the fight, you could always just stab yourself. No one will know the wound is self inflicted but you.

    Either way, you’ve got the wound now, and with some well timed shirtlessness, you are sure to win.

  5. Joshua Finklebaum said:

    so, I have the scar from hip to opposite shoulder. I am having another challenge with the shirtlessness, due to my inexhorable man boobs. I have worked out and gotten the sixpack of gods, but my man boobs will not go thier way an leave my way alone. Do you think maybe i should use some type of compression tube top in lieu of going shirtless.

  6. Administrator said:

    Josh, You have a very interesting challenge, but not an impossible one.

    Forget about the man boobs, as long as they don’t block the view of most of that lengthy scar the strategy should work like a charm.

    Even though you have boobs, and you’re a man, try and stay confident.

    Also, in general, I would suggest never thinking “wearing a tube top” will solve any of your business problems.

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