The secrets of a successful life in business.

As of this date, I will never enter a La Quinta Inn, or a LaQuinta Suite. AND I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU DO TOO if you don’t want to get your ideas and intellectual properties taken from you without recourse.

If my last powerful post wasn’t enough, below, you’ll find10 reasons you should actively stay away from La Quinta Inn and Suites until further notice.

1) I’m an established “Winner at Business”–SO, I don’t need a hotel that helps me with that thank you very much.

2) They have been show to claim other’s powerful ideas as their own.

3) The employees–as of this writing–have been completely unresponsive to all of my faxes.

4) No one from corporate has contacted me (unless I missed their call.)

5) The CEO, Keith Cline, has not videographed his public apology that would–HONESTLY–be a great first step to mending our relationship.

6) They are a “business” hotel, but don’t offer a complimentary USA TODAY.

7) Rewards program has no spanish-themed currency.

8) Wifi signals are weak, and have no witty, spanish-themed naming convention.

9) To be honest, I’m not a huge fan of refreshed color scheme.

10) Continental breakfast has NO WAFFLE STATION.

If you were not enraged before–I’M SURE YOU ARE NOW.


NOW, LET’S CHANNEL THAT RAGE AND (in-between your other protests) kindly add @LQ to your list of things to shout “SHAME!” at.

While we’re at it, let’s also get #boycottLaQuintaInnandSuites to trend on an a very popular internet! (If ANYONE knows whom I need to speak with to make that sort of thing happen, please leave it in the comments!)


Last night, I received a texted email from the great, Manfred Dunforth, my mentor (and roommate STILL!!!) asking if I had seen a video for La Quintana hotel. So I went to an internet and found this commercial!

After watching it, I wanted to punch Advertising!!!?

BUT, I will admit, a part of me felt an odd warmth. The kind of warmth that feels like the kind of pride you feel when you realize that your immense wisdom has permeated another human being’s brain and has caused powerful life-changing action. I was very conflicted.

So, FIRST: I want to commend and congratulate the authors of this work on it’s power. You came to the right place to find incredible and fresh ideas focused mostly on business–THANK YOU. ALSO, strangely enough, this glasses strategy is one that I actually invented as a young Biztern™ at Yankton Fish Camp, LLC.

I have used this with immense success in my storied past. (Although, if I’m honest, it hasn’t worked for me since the 90’s while I was heavily pitching a “business tank top” line of casual Friday wear. Not sure if those two things have any bearing on each other. PROBABLY NOT.

Back to the issue at hand.


• I AM ANGRY: I am terribly upset that such a successful Spanish-themed hotel chain has chosen to use my INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY to thrust themselves into a new area of growth opportunity without so much as a ring on my new rotary phone.

• I NEED SOME CREDIT: I encourage my fans GLOBALLY to rally around this gross miscarriage of wisdom and call this Spanish hotel (1 800 SLEEPLQ) until they APOLOGIZE and give me FULL CREDIT for this latest advertising platform.

Below I will offer a few suggestions for La Quinta Inns and Suites as they seek to build bridges once again with myself and the larger business strategy community. (Feel free to add any other ideas in the comments!)

• An envelope containing 30,000 dollars handed to me at a secret, Spanish-themed location to be determined by myself and my mentor Manfred Dunforth.

• An oversized cake with my picture on it, in the lobby of La Quinta Inn’s corporate headquarters containing the words: “Great Idea!” written in golden fondant.

• A sincere, unironic videographed apology from CEO, Keith Cline.

Thank you for you time and continued support. (BUT NOT YOU, La Quinta Inn and Suites!)

Below is a repost from an article where were asked to share our business insights and “secrets” to our many successes. It was super fun, and I think you’ll find it INCREDIBLY REWARDING to read. Enjoy.

1. How do you reset to be creative?

My favorite, and most effective creative reset finds me in a field, sitting peacefully on a cable spool, doing an exercise I invented I call Brainsploding™. It’s a unique mix of a self-taught form of experimental Karate, mixed with an active mediation, while wearing a tank top that I got at Spring Break Panama City in ’89–and nothing else.

2. What motivates you?

Pure and simple: Winning. At anything. My trade is business, but I just like to win at everything I come in contact with. That is truly what drives all of my actions in life…I like to drink my coffee faster than you. I brought a wolf to “Bring your dog to work” Day that ate four of my coworkers dogs. I make fun of people smarter than me so I can get control of a room. I even spent three nights hiding in a coworkers’ file cabinet just to find out what she thought about an upcoming business proposal so I could use it against her. I do this all unapologetically, and that–I believe–is how I have become so successful.

3. What is the biggest challenge you face?

In life, my biggest challenge is keeping strong friendships. Turns out, when all you think about it winning, or looking like you’re winning, people don’t tend to dive real deep with you. It can be lonely at the top, but it also gets full of money and power at the top. I prefer the latter.

4. How do you stay on top of the cutting edge?

I used to read books, but currently I just like to read the first paragraphs of every article that comes through my Facebook feed. I also have a dear friend and mentor–Manfred Dunforth–that I look too nightly for wisdom and guidance in my business and personal life. He also lives in my home temporarily (or so he says!) so this makes it super convenient for both of us as he looks for work.

5. What is your favorite way to interact with viewers of your site?

I like to call them on their cellphone as they sit down to dinner, or late into the night. I like the immediacy and surprise of the contact. It allows me to speak to them while they are on their heels, so I get a true reaction to my strategies. Additionally, it gives me power in the situation to refute handily any misinterpretation of my work.

6. Are there any adjacent industries outside your own that you actively source for inspiration?

Funny enough, I’m a big DIY JUNKIE. So my Pinterest boards are epic collections of business inspiration and powerful birthday party ideas. I also like to study rare insects and often incorporate some of their strategies for survival into my everyday business life with an incredible amount of success.

7. Where do you see the future of blogs heading?

I think in the future, we will make a turn to a simpler approach. I think in the very near future, blogs will be hand written. Entries will be scanned and then faxed to a service that uploads them onto a blogging internet for everyone to read at their leisure.

8. What is the mission of your blog?

At it’s core, I want to be a resource, the best resource for successful business strategies. I want to be not just the first place to look, but the only place to look for success in business. A secondary goal would be to rid the internet of all other business blogs so that I literally am THE ONLY source for successful business strategies.

9.What makes your blog different? How can viewers leverage the content on your blog?

I really think my key point of difference is my perspective on the world. There is no other being living or dead that embodies the confidence, experience, and lack of interpersonal norm recognition to express the radical business strategies that I bring the world each and every day. I’m not sure how much actual monetary value I’ve brought to companies across the globe, but I’m pretty sure it’s around 6 billion dollars (before taxes).

I just randomly ran across a product that I simply must share with you.

It’s called The Eyeballer™, and it might be the most amazing product I’ve ever happened to just randomly come across and try and then love, and then become inspired enough to share it with my audience, even though I’ve received no compensation to do so.

It’s a nifty little thing that helps you find the right spot to put your nail in your wall when hanging pictures. I first took notice–during an interweb search for “pointy things”–because it looked a little dangerous. But after looking closer, I was just blown away with how simple and useful the thing was.

I thought, “This is being offered at such a great price point, I’m gonna give it a try”.


BEFORE I found this amazing product, I would just randomly hit holes in my wall until I found an acceptable spot to hang my pictures.

NOW, I actually only hit a single hole, and it’s magically at the right place in the time it takes me to think of something that is quick as it is.

Whether it’s a shiny new fake diploma, some new pictures of me sparring my wolf, or just some shirtless pictures of me on a cable spool meditating in the middle of a field–this AMAZING thing has helped me get every single one of them up where the belong–IN MY FOYER, AT EYE LEVEL.

I really have no idea why you wouldn’t try this product out, especially since I have just personally and passionately endorsed it. But I’m not pressuring you, I’m just moved to speak positively about this product of my own free will.

Either way, you should go here immediately: The Eyeballer™

I believe that the oft overlooked company bio is an integral part of anyone’s rise to the top of business.

DO IT WRONG, and risk looking like the weakest link in the company.

DO IT RIGHT, and everyone will wonder why yours is so much better than the CEO’s (and wonder why you’re not the CEO!)

Trust me, you can’t afford to get this one wrong.

I remember when I was first asked to write a company bio. Outwardly I was proud. I felt like I had just been asked to join a exclusive Harvard fraternity known for a bunch of rich kids who “accidentally” murder a townie because they found out he wasn’t rich.


But inwardly, I had questions. I didn’t know the first thing to do! I didn’t even know what ‘bio’ was short for. (I learned much later that it means biography)

Fortunately, my mentor and friend Manfred Dunforth had recently moved into my bonus room while he “got his shit together”. I needed his advice, and luckily for me, he obliged.

It was a rambling conversation that took some surprising interesting twists and turns, but once I got him to focus up, I was able to take two powerful things from our meeting of the minds.

One, older men, no matter how successful, shouldn’t wear jazz shoes no matter where the trends seem to be going.

Secondly, make sure and include a story from childhood where you did some sort of related thing and how that meant you were destined to become what you are today.

And there it was: All I (AND YOU) needed to know about how to write a bio! I was so excited about getting this information, I cried for a solid fifteen minutes. (OK, THIRTY!)

Once the crying spell slowed, I quickly sprinted to my Words Typer 5000 and crafted a tale about how I used to “borrow” all the neighborhood kids’ toys, paint them a new color, and sell them back to them at a hefty markup–WHEN I WAS THREE.

For you, it may be that you loved eating the paint off of HotWheels back when it was all lead based, and that set you on course for your inevitable rise to head designer at HotWheelies, the Chinese rival of HotWheels known for making the same cars at a fourth of the quality at an eighth of the price.

Or maybe you might have had a weight problem as a child and that’s why you do so well in the diabetes industry. Whatever the case, if this story isn’t a part of your new bio, YOU HAVE FAILED AT BIOS.

People need only to think one thing after reading your bio: This guy is not just good, but he’s been training (at his own expense!) for his role at the company since he was a three-year-old in a business suit.

Traveling is the hallmark of every successful career in business. You quite simply must be traveling if you every want to be the best business man ever.

This can present a problem for some–especially the ones who don’t believe in computers, have a fear of flying, or the unlucky ones who have unfairly found themselves on a bullshit “no-fly list” (LOOOONG story).

BUT DO NOT WORRY BLOG READERS, I’ve found an amazingly simple way to get all the credit you desire as a successful and important “business traveler”, without actually having to go into the backroom and have government officials point and laugh at your penis each time you fly.

Here it is: It’s not as important to actually travel on business, as it is to BE SEEN as a business traveler.

I’d like to introduce you to my USA Today Strategy for Winners™. It’s quite possibly my simplest and most effective strategy yet for minimizing office rivals and skyrocketing you to the top of business.

My strategy is based on the fact that when humans carry a USA Today newspaper, everyone who sees them assumes they just got back from a business trip. You see, the only place to get one of these USA Today papers is on the floor outside of a hotel room. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS.

When you make it clear you just traveled for business, in the minds of your rivals you have just done something incredibly important that they didn’t do!

And when your colleagues see you holding this super thin newspaper, they’ll be pretty sure you just traveled on business, filling their brains instantly with unanswerable questions like:

“What sort of important thing was he just doing?”

“Why did he get to go to StratCon? Do people not hate him anymore?”

or, “How did he even get on the plane? I thought it was illegal for him to travel?”

FACT: Businessmen constantly compare themselves to their colleagues. It’s what we do.

When you have a crisp new USA Today under your arm, you make sure your rivals are comparing themselves TO YOU as they wonder why they weren’t invited to that imaginary super important meeting that only happened in their head.

Meanwhile, you’ll just be holding a paper and the upper hand.

If I have learned anything about Winners at Business™, it’s that they know how to use an internet to spread their ideas so other less successful people can link to them and talk about how smart and insightful the author is.

If you’re not doing this I just have one question: WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU NOT DOING THIS!

The simplest way to start is by creating something called a “blog”. On this blog, make sure and write internet articles with headlines so powerfully written that business leaders have no choice but to read them. Once you pair your headline with an unnecessarily graphic image of a controversial subject you just sit back and watch as the business part of the internet goes Krazy.

Luckily for me (and you!) I discovered long ago the secret formula for generating incredibly powerful blog post headlines: Write about what something much more interesting than your actual job, taught you about your job.

OH, I FORGOT THE BEST PART! (No, I didn’t. Here it comes!) You can repeat this strategy basically, forever.

Some business writers don’t agree with me (I’m looking at you Seth Godin!) But, I believe this is the most powerful idea in business today.

To show how this looks in practice, I would like to present several examples I literally just wrote:

What the song “Cherry Pie” taught me about Human Resources.

What I learned about Business Processes from the AIDS Epidemic.

Six things I learned about Infrastructure from a Buffalo Chicken and Ranch Hot Pocket.

Who could resist reading these?. Answer: NO ONE. And like that, I have inspired and delighted everyone in business who reads words.

OH NO!! WHAT ABOUT THE ARTICLE PART!!!? Relax, take a deep breath, stop freaking out. Don’t worry about the actual article. All you need to do is write a couple of loosely thrown together strings of business keywords that may or may not resemble actual sentences. Businessmen are way too busy to read articles. They just post them on something called a “Linkedin“, so their colleagues can not read them too.

Listen, most of what we learn in business is not super inspiring or interesting. If you can get people thinking they can learn something about business from interesting things like a Dung beetle, a refurbished Sex Robot, or (my current obsession) Riverdancing–they might just think for a moment that what they’re doing is a lot more interesting than what they’re actually doing.

And in the business part of the internet–that’s how you win.

I’ve recently discovered an amazing way to retain the hearts, minds (and revenue!) of customers after an untimely and public mistake.

Let’s say hypothetically, a brief check on a fantasy football trade takes your eye briefly away from the siren on your desk that warns of computer hackings.

Yes, confidential customer information was released to a group of Somali pirates. That happened. But what didn’t happen was a change in my values while making this mistake. And believe it or not, that’s all the matters!

REMEMBER THIS! Because that’s the part I want Winners at Business™ to take away from today’s post.

Mistakes happen, but values don’t change.

In a recent study in a magazine, scholars found that:

…when a business makes a mistake, customers tend to be upset not because they’re trust has been completely shattered, or even that their personal information is now being used by known terrorists. NO–they are upset because they are afraid that this business’s values are now–somehow–different.

Now, let’s take this fact, and regain the trust of those customers by releasing a templated press release (free download here!) like this:

“We are sorry for this grave mistake and apologize for any sort of identity theft that may be happening to you as you read this press release. While we recommend you check all of your bank accounts immediately, we’d also like to assure our customers that this mistake is no indication whatsoever of a shift in core values from ‘good’ to ‘bad’. Quite the opposite: Our values remain as solid and unwavering as ever.”

When you make this sort of public declaration–as easy at is–it assures your customers that this was just a blip in performance and not a “fundamental personal flaw”. And by reminding them that we both have the same sort of values–AKA “the good ones“–they’ll have no problem continuing their relationship with you. At the end of the day, isn’t that what matters most? The having of good values?

1. Future Planning
What’s so great about the future? It always looks better than the present. That’s why your business needs a bunch more future, and alot lot less of the problems of the here and now. When you plan for the future nothing ever looks bad, including you.

2. Using the Social Medias
Social media is an amazing tool for shaping our business lives in ways that a decade ago were unimaginable. If I wanted to make sure a competitor knew I just had a successful meeting a decade ago, I had to either fax them or speak actual words to their faces. This is an amazing development, winners are getting on the boat.

4. Deflecting Criticism
Criticism feels horrible and it let’s your colleagues think you are a flawed business man. You will make mistakes and misteps in business, just make sure they “weren’t your fault” and you’ll be where you want to be.

5. Creating New, more Powerful Business Words
Creating words that mean more than one word is key in business today. The business world today is like a foreign country with it’s own language and customs. Speak the language well and they’ll not only think you live there, they’ll think you were born there.

6. Using Acronyms
Using unnecessary and superfluous acronyms is a sure fire way to ensure that you know what you’re talking about, and the rest of the room doesn’t. Don’t worry! No one will ever ask you what something means for fear of looking stupid.

7. Staying at work later than everyone
Even if you’re buying christmas presents for your family, or mining for extra dubloons on Gem Warz. Being in the office means you care more than everyone one else, and when it comes to that 2% cost of living raise, you’ll be first on the list if they decide to do it this year.

8. Getting your Job on™
Sure, it’s fine if you are “creating a document to track spending trends in Excel”. But consider how powerful that same statement becomes when you tell your bosses you’re “Getting your trend tracking on“?

9. Talking about “The Cloud”
Customers are in power these days, and they have been convinced that this magical cloud is going to solve all their problems. Whether it is or isn’t is of no concern to you. The fact the they believe it will is. And that’s why you better be talking about it all the time.

10. Using ‘Problems at Home’ as an Excuse for keeping the workplace in a constant state of fear
By telling our employees that we’re having vague “problems at home” as an excuse for “all the yelling” not only will you get the great results that come from berating our employees, but you’ll be able to gain empathy for why you’re “doing all the yelling”. Leaving you free to continue keeping the workplace in a state of fear and intense productivity.

Those who rise in the ranks of the business world do one thing well: They find a way to position themselves as something called a “thought leader”. If you think they got that status without giving mind-expanding speeches at important regional conferences, you need to take a long awkward look at yourself in that wall of mirrors in your foyer.

How do you think that Manfred Dunforth or Noah Wylie got to be the luminaries they are today? By giving passable speeches to their coworkers about business stuff? WHAT A HORRIBLE GUESS.

No, they accepted any public speaking opportunity they could find, and then kicked each one IN THE TEETH by delivering expertly crafted Speech-splosions™.

Right now, you’re probably saying to yourself, “But I could never do that! It’s gonna take forever! I’ve got a thing I’ve got to do!”

Well, do you have five minutes? Thought so.

Here’s all you need to remember, “It’s time to re-invent ____________.”

A recent study concluded that over 99% of slideshare presentations, TED speeches, and company picnic T-shirts begin with these same 4 and a half words. There’s a reason for that. It doesn’t need many details for a large group to get excited by it, and its incredibly simple to bang out on your typewriter in 4 seconds flat without much thought. And, oh yeah, it’s effective as hell.

Here’s how to get that first speech done. (Start your timer.)

First, write the sentence, “It’s time to reinvent”. Next, think about what industry you are in. (For example, “I’m in cellphone kiosk sales”)

Lastly, put the answer to that question at the end of that first sentence. Resulting in: “It’s time to reinvent cell-phone kiosk sales”. Now, add an exclamation point–and like that–you’ve written your first sentence in under a minute! Nice job buddy!

For the rest of the speech, simply list everything wrong with your industry and put the words “It’s time to change” in front of it. Before you know it, you’ll have a 2-3 minute speech (depending on your industry) ready to be videogrammed and uploaded into an internet portal website player for the business world to consume and blog about.

Speeches do a great job getting people excited about broad concepts. BUT, they’re not great about giving specific marching orders to attendees about their particular situations. (That’s what “breakout sessions” are for!) Take advantage of this and keep ALL of that detail out.

Excuse me? What’s that? Did you say an organizer of one of the smaller TED conferences is on the phone?